With Love From…The Snarky Narrator by Sylvain Reynard

With Love From…The Snarky Narrator by Sylvain Reynard

V-Day copy

This is a hilarious and educating piece from The Snarky Narrator in the Gabriel Series by Sylvain Reynard

I don’t always celebrate Valentine’s Day.

Frankly, the days get away from me, filled as they are with ironic observations of the pretentious Professor and his lovely Julianne, or their various and sundry antagonists.  I spend a lot of time observing others and (wait for it) narrating.

But on occasion, I’ve had the good fortune to celebrate Valentine’s with someone special.  In fact, I’ve been working on “The Snarky Narrator’s Top 6 Keys to a Successful Valentine’s Day” and I’m happy to share them with you. You can benefit from my experience.

1)   Wear underwear.  (If you’re like me, you don’t wear underwear.  But should you arrive at the crucial moment and not be wearing underwear, your lady friend may react in shock. And fall backwards. And strike her head on the coffee table, thus necessitating a trip to the emergency room and consequently, ruining your Valentine’s Day. So please, for the love of Valentine’s Day, wear underwear.)

2)   Buy a thoughtful gift.  (The gift should be something she would like. For example, don’t buy her “Grand Theft Auto” or a Star Trek coffee mug. Buy flowers. Or chocolate. Or chocolate body paint. Or lingerie that you think she’d look hot in but would look even better on your bedroom floor. See what I just did there?  Win/win.)

3)   Buy champagne. (It’s a celebration, after all; spring for the good stuff. And this is important:  When you open the champagne, never attempt to do so with a sabre or a sword or anything sharp because this could result in a serious, emasculating injury.)

4)   Share a meal.  (Food isn’t love but it can certainly be sensual. Avoid overly spicy food and beans. Choose something you can eat with your hands and feed one another. Try to choose foods that your date will like. For example, if she has a shellfish allergy, don’t serve shrimp, which will necessitate a trip to the emergency room and potentially, no second date.)

5)   It’s probably best to wait until after dinner, champagne, and gift giving to move into the bedroom.  Pay attention to your date and her body language. (If she yawns and tells you she has to work in the morning, you may have to settle for snuggling on the couch.  Practice pronouncing the word “snuggle” in front of the mirror in order to be able to say it with a straight face. Then during the snuggling, try to appear as if you’re enjoying it.)

6)   Grooming is essential.  It’s important to be tidy and well dressed for your date.  If your body hair resembles that of a Yeti, try to tame it or have it removed. (Under no circumstances should you use this product on your genital area: http://www.amazon.co.uk/product-reviews/B000KKNQBK/ref=dp_db_cm_cr_acr_txt?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=1   unless you would rather forego your date and spend the evening holding a tub of ice to your privates, while crying like an infant.  Oh, the humanity …)

If you follow these six easy steps (and you’ve chosen a nice lady as your date), I think you’ll be well on your way to a successful Valentine’s Day. Tell her Snarky sent you …

SN

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about the author

I’m interested in the way literature can help us explore aspects of the human condition – particularly suffering, sex, love, faith, and redemption. My favourite stories are those in which a character takes a journey, either a physical journey to a new and exciting place, or a personal journey in which he or she learns something about himself/herself.

I’m also interested in how aesthetic elements such as art, architecture, and music can be used to tell a story or to illuminate the traits of a particular character. In my writing, I combine all of these elements with the themes of redemption, forgiveness, and the transformative power of goodness.

I try to use my platform as an author to raise awareness about the following charities: Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep Foundation, WorldVision, Alex’s Lemonade Stand, and Covenant House. For more information, see my Twitter account.

Follow Sylvain Reynard Website Twitter Facebook

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